I’m sitting in the dark and it’s not even 10p and I can’t think of anything better to do so I’m going to write another one of these. There’s no rule saying I have to write on a schedule as I am not being paid for this, so why not? It’s like talking to myself but long form. So.
I have been sober one year as of October 31st. That is a very weird thing to write out because it occurs to me that this is the first time I’m “saying” it. Sober. Whew. Anyway, Now that I’m a year into recovery I’m thinking about picking up a stupid recovery hobby. You know the part in Demolition Man where they pull John Spartan out of the ice and suddenly he’s seized with the desire to knit? It’s played for laughs but one of the things different rehabilitation programs teach is to find something to do with the energy you used to pour into your addiction. This like many things sounded stupid at the time, but as I have gotten this far down the road it has begun to make sense. I have more energy due to the fact that I’m not poisoning myself every day and more time that I would usually be spending drinking or recovering from drinking by drinking some more. Take that away and you have a huge gap and what do you fill it with?
For me I’ve been working through an exciting variety of traumatic events that previously I would have resolved by – you guessed it – drinking. Given that I am simultaneously managing situations which cause anxiety and depression while figuring out new ways to manage said anxiety and depression which then increase said anxiety and depression and you get the picture. Recursive loop. (NERD!) This has been a process which is ongoing as I generally can’t stop what I’m doing to have a flip out and maintain any semblance of stability and productivity now can I? Which would then only make things worse. So. We’re at the point in the process where I need something to do with all this excess energy that also works as Something I Do Other Than Just Surviving. I have some ideas. Yes we’re going to do bullets again. Yes there will be three of them. Look you’re the one reading this at this point and have only yourself to blame. I’m all about taking responsibility for one’s actions. Anywhats.
- Voice coaching – This one is silly because it goes back to my primary problem, that being I don’t really know how to do anything that isn’t directly related to Surviving, which in this case means Doing Something To Improve My Professional Worth. This is sad to type out but it’s also the way I think. This is also why I am bad at the “what are your hobbies?” part of corporate icebreakers. It brings the room down when you say “trying to not get fired!”
- Calligraphy – This is more like it. Has nothing to do with anything professional, takes work and practice and seems like the sort of thing I could have fun doing. I would buy fancy paper and pens and write long form letters to people that they would never read. I would get a signet and seal envelopes with wax. I have a tendency to run with things and I can definitely see myself diving headlong into this silly ass hobby that no one does. I would need a writing desk…
- Fitness – I hesitate to write this one because now I sound like a dating profile where I’m really into camping and long walks on the beach and violent abusive sex acts and fostering rescue puppies and wait go back one…but seriously some of the happier times I can remember I was in the gym. By myself, getting a PR and just feeling good about myself. Setting personal goals and beating them. Where else do you have full control over milestones and progress? See how I slipped back into Doing Something To Improve My Professional Worth? Doesn’t this whole thing sound like an interview answer now? Sigh.
What was my point *scrolls up* right, stupid recovery hobbies. Most actionable (there I go again) is the gym, so I’m going to go ahead and buy a membership and make a schedule. Small steps at first. Then I’ll run a half-marathon in six months. In between I’ll do other things, like Thinking About Living Not Just Surviving. Cheers.
Jason Rashaad
Nobody wants to buy your drugs here, “Louie!”